well, now it does. you know, since i've seen tray's stupid blog posts about gwens apparently amazing orgasms. for the longest time, i didnt mind at all that i couldnt have them. then, tray was like really intent on giving me one, so i looked into it a bit, and realized that its common for rape survivors to not be able to orgasm. then it started to bug me a little. i mean, so he gets to take that from me too? then i kind of realized, somewhere along the road, that me and tray couldnt really connect during sex, and i thought maybe that would fix it. well we finally did one night, and nothing that night. :/ which really, me thinking about was the only sucky thing about the night, because it occurred to me at one point and then it was kind of a letdown - not the sex, the sex was great, but for my hope that that was the problem. THEN i get to read about gwens multiple crazy awesome orgasms. yea, no pressure now. no, now i dont feel broken at all. and tray was all "it made me wonder if there was something wrong with me." wait, you think theres something wrong with YOU because you can make one girl orgasm but not another? no, i dont think theres something wrong with you.
he said sex with me is better than sex was with her, but idk. i dont know that i believe him. those posts were pretty enthusiastic, and, let's face it, i dont feel like i get the same enthusiasm. i mean really, once we're on campus for a couple of weeks itll be back to feeling like he doesnt even care if we have sex. that doesnt sound much like "youre hard to top."'
it would bother me if sex was her was better, but i think it bothers me more that he wont admit it.
and the fact that ive gone from feeling left out to just plain feeling broken, well......yea, that sucks.
i feel like its my fault i'm missing out. he's missing out too.
maybe what bugs me most is that we're missing out. he has something with her that hes never had with me. that maybe he cant have with me. and its my fault.
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