im afraid he's cheating

i just have this shaking feeling about it. i mean, its come and gone since i found out about the whole gwen thing - i mean, who knows if there has been someone else, especially since he was on all those dating websites and even admitted that he felt like he needed a one night stand? im quite certain theres been at least one other.....i just feel like there has to have been. and since he clammed up about whatever message was on his phone friday night, im sure theres something else going on - probably another dating website. which i could be fine with - he needs to see someone else every once and a while, i could deal with that. you know, if he TOLD me. i could deal with an open relationship or with him needing to escape for a while. i just......i dont like this whole secrecy thing. it makes me wonder whats really up. I dont think I think he'd leave me, its just......it feels like he doesnt care enough/ trust me enough to tell me. he doesnt need to tell me every little detail - i just want to know hes got something going on. thats all. otherwise i just wonder, like tonight.....

hi tray. so should we talk about this tonight?

what if i am pregnant?

what would i do?

ive wanted that fucking hat since i saw it

whatever. i could say so and we'd be at the cubs game. im tired of making you put me first though.

things i learned today

im very oblivious
its really easy to get caught up in the cycle of abuse and not even know it
this means i, more than many other people, need to watch what im doing. i need to listen and think about what is actually best for tray - not what i want to be best for him.
i need help
i can change
i need to change
i know i love tray, and i know i care about him, but that doesnt mean much when i only act like i care about how he feels when it agrees with what i want. i need to listen, to care about ALL of his feelings, not just the ones that i like

i am just as horrible as he is.

just because i learned that badgering someone until they have sex with you is ok doesnt mean it is. no more. tray deserves better than that. i deserve better than that.

for someone who's experienced that exact situation, i have a really bad understand of no means no.
im going to fix it though, i really am. from now on, i wont ask for sex as the rule. will there be exceptions? of course. but day to day, he gets to ask.

and when he says no, it means no. no exceptions.

bad, bad day.

engineering is not hard. i've pretty much fucked up every single thing i could.

flashback.......

abusive boyfriend: gradually cuts me off from all my friends in order to isolate me.
current boyfriend: tells me i cant tell my best friend something that happened in our relationship.

all the factors are different, but im sorry.
it feels the same.
i dont like it.

dammit.

now that i posted all that i really want to look. grrrrrrrrr.

its times like these when i want to check his blog

i want to know if what im trying to do for him will honestly help.

even more, i want to know if he actually is happy now.

im not going to though, because i promised i wouldnt and i meant that shit.
he has that right to privacy. i kind of want to know if hes still using it, and if he believes me when i say im not reading it. given my history, probably not.

which is why this time, i meant that shit. i say i trust him, and i do. curiosity just for curiosity's sake isnt worth it.

i feel like a crazy person when tray has to deal with my breakdowns every night

thats why some nights theyll go on here. he wouldnt like it, that i wasnt telling him every time i was upset. but i told him i was ok tonight, and so thats what hes going to think, that im ok tonight.

thats why its going on here.and he wouldnt be happy if he knew it. oh well. im tired of being a burden. he shouldnt have to deal with this every night. it IS too much for him.

so he's not going to deal with it every night. simple as that.

i think i have to show my face

im doing this thing for a blog where you take a picture of yourself and a poster with what your rapist said, and then this girl puts it on her blog. its really awesome.

some people show their faces, some people dont.

i think a part of me still doesnt want it to be real. still makes excuses that it wasnt as bad as i say, that i was scared for no reason and really, i should just call it regret since i let him do something i didnt want him to do.

i mean, once he started, i was an active-ish participant? i mean, i felt nauseous afterwards and glad to be done, but i wasnt afraid during it, once it started i didnt try to stop it.......

it was still rape though. he made me say yes. he made me unable to say no. i didnt try to stop it because i didnt think i could. it was STILL RAPE.

this will make it real.

and dammit, if im going to finally accept that it's real, im not going to hide. i think ill just keep hiding from all of it then.

do i tell him?

i know he feels bad about the gwen thing. how bad, i dont actually know. like, does he say he feels bad mostly because he has to, or does he actually feel bad? and he said he kind of regrets it.......kind of as in "maybe it would have been better if i didnt" or kind of as in he's really beating himself up about this?

i dont know. he doesnt tell me things.

and i know that he wants to give me an orgasm pretty badly. and i know he feels, at least to some extent, like it's his fault - he said so in so many words. i dont know if its just kind of like a "something i want to accomplish" thing or if it really bothers him that i cant.

does he feel like we're missing out too?

if he answers his email, im going to ask. its going to bug me tonight, so might as well. if he doesnt answer, well, probably wont ask then. at least not yet. no promises after sex tomorrow.

i dont regret reading his blog

but could i somehow have missed how awesome the sex was? can someone like, go back in time and somehow fix that for me? i really didnt need to know it.

stupid stupid stupid girl.

yea, i dont like you much. not one bit. thanks for making me feel inadequate bitch.

so it kind of bugs me that i cant orgasm

well, now it does. you know, since i've seen tray's stupid blog posts about gwens apparently amazing orgasms. for the longest time, i didnt mind at all that i couldnt have them. then, tray was like really intent on giving me one, so i looked into it a bit, and realized that its common for rape survivors to not be able to orgasm. then it started to bug me a little. i mean, so he gets to take that from me too? then i kind of realized, somewhere along the road, that me and tray couldnt really connect during sex, and i thought maybe that would fix it. well we finally did one night, and nothing that night. :/ which really, me thinking about was the only sucky thing about the night, because it occurred to me at one point and then it was kind of a letdown - not the sex, the sex was great, but for my hope that that was the problem. THEN i get to read about gwens multiple crazy awesome orgasms. yea, no pressure now. no, now i dont feel broken at all. and tray was all "it made me wonder if there was something wrong with me." wait, you think theres something wrong with YOU because you can make one girl orgasm but not another? no, i dont think theres something wrong with you.

he said sex with me is better than sex was with her, but idk. i dont know that i believe him. those posts were pretty enthusiastic, and, let's face it, i dont feel like i get the same enthusiasm. i mean really, once we're on campus for a couple of weeks itll be back to feeling like he doesnt even care if we have sex. that doesnt sound much like "youre hard to top."'

it would bother me if sex was her was better, but i think it bothers me more that he wont admit it.

and the fact that ive gone from feeling left out to just plain feeling broken, well......yea, that sucks.
i feel like its my fault i'm missing out. he's missing out too.

maybe what bugs me most is that we're missing out. he has something with her that hes never had with me. that maybe he cant have with me. and its my fault.

tray will do this thing sometimes

where he'll tell me he'll email me and then he doesnt. or he'll ask me a question (usually something kind of important) and then just disappear. or we'll be just talking and suddenly he'll go to sleep. and i understand, sometimes you just get busy doing other things or you just dont answer all the time and it isnt on purpose, but it happens enough that im slightly annoyed. especially when you tell me "oh, ill be emailing you" and send 2 emails over an hour. just tell me youre busy then.

it seems kind of strange that i would start this blog now

i mean, i only just found tray's secret blog. why would i find that and then decide to start one of my own?

because i could see how much it helped him
i didnt do the stuff he wrote because he wrote it; he wrote the stuff because i did it
the fact that the stuff he said hurt? that was my fault, not his
and he needed somewhere to talk about it

i dont want him to quit. i want him to have that place to figure out his thoughts without me barging in. id love for him to tell me everything, but theres always going to be some things hed rather figure out on his own. and that is perfectly ok.

ive said that before, and ive thought that before, but seeing how much there really was on the blog made me really understand it. it isnt some luxary im giving him or something that makes me a super outstanding girlfriend or anything; hes owed his thoughts and his privacy when he wants it.

between that and seeing how much all my problems weigh on him, it just made sense that maybe i could use the same thing. there were already thoughts ive known i wouldnt/ couldnt bring up with him for whatever reason, just before they always simply swirled around in my head. maybe it would help to write them down somewhere.

i mean, when i get in certain moods i have to tell SOMEONE. and i dont always want to bug him with that. this way i dont have to.

tray was asking me about suicide last night

its not something i like to admit, that i think about it. because it isnt serious. i would never do it - literally. even if theres nothing else, id be too SCARED to do it. seriously, im a coward. i couldnt ever, no matter how otherwise convinced i became.

its more of a ......fascination. some people fantasize about their wedding, or about shopping.....i fantasize about driving off a bridge, or getting in a tube and just slicing my wrists.

i dont know if im making it sound any better

it scares me that he asked about it. i mean, hes probably the only one that would pick up on it, but did he actually know? or was it just a shot in the dark?

and what does he want to do about it?

im tired of talking

im writing this because maybe i dont want to tell tray everything. i dont want to burden him. i want to have happy times too...even if some of those times im only happy because i push some things til later. ive only always told him because he insisted hed rather know, that i wasnt a burden. well, i am a burden, no matter how much he loves me. maybe ill always be a burden. but i dont want to be a burden every moment - for me or for him. so sometimes, i wont tell him. for him. for me. for us. sometimes, it really is just my problem.

like this.

still sad. still very very sad.
why am I not ok today?

sorry tray

but there are some things i dont want to burden you with. those things go here.