im afraid he's cheating

i just have this shaking feeling about it. i mean, its come and gone since i found out about the whole gwen thing - i mean, who knows if there has been someone else, especially since he was on all those dating websites and even admitted that he felt like he needed a one night stand? im quite certain theres been at least one other.....i just feel like there has to have been. and since he clammed up about whatever message was on his phone friday night, im sure theres something else going on - probably another dating website. which i could be fine with - he needs to see someone else every once and a while, i could deal with that. you know, if he TOLD me. i could deal with an open relationship or with him needing to escape for a while. i just......i dont like this whole secrecy thing. it makes me wonder whats really up. I dont think I think he'd leave me, its just......it feels like he doesnt care enough/ trust me enough to tell me. he doesnt need to tell me every little detail - i just want to know hes got something going on. thats all. otherwise i just wonder, like tonight.....

hi tray. so should we talk about this tonight?

what if i am pregnant?

what would i do?

ive wanted that fucking hat since i saw it

whatever. i could say so and we'd be at the cubs game. im tired of making you put me first though.

things i learned today

im very oblivious
its really easy to get caught up in the cycle of abuse and not even know it
this means i, more than many other people, need to watch what im doing. i need to listen and think about what is actually best for tray - not what i want to be best for him.
i need help
i can change
i need to change
i know i love tray, and i know i care about him, but that doesnt mean much when i only act like i care about how he feels when it agrees with what i want. i need to listen, to care about ALL of his feelings, not just the ones that i like

i am just as horrible as he is.

just because i learned that badgering someone until they have sex with you is ok doesnt mean it is. no more. tray deserves better than that. i deserve better than that.

for someone who's experienced that exact situation, i have a really bad understand of no means no.
im going to fix it though, i really am. from now on, i wont ask for sex as the rule. will there be exceptions? of course. but day to day, he gets to ask.

and when he says no, it means no. no exceptions.

bad, bad day.

engineering is not hard. i've pretty much fucked up every single thing i could.